What happens when you've healed your addictions, but relationships still feel impossible?
I recently sat with a client who has been finding it difficult to navigate relationships in her recovery. For years, her addictions gave her a "perfect excuse" to detach from the world and avoid meaningful connection. Now, having healed her relationship to those patterns, she notices that the desire to withdraw is still there — especially from the people who matter most.
She finds herself drawn to superficial connections that don't truly align with her values, rather than leaning into closeness. The thought of someone seeing "the real her" feels terrifying. She often asks me: "How do I feed the craving for connection I have while still holding onto the freedom and independence I feel I need?"
That is such a beautiful question. It is not one many avoidant people will ever reach. This is what I call an "aware avoidant" — someone who not only recognises their avoidant patterns but is brave enough to bring curiosity to them. That awareness is rare, because avoidant attachment naturally pulls us away from anything that requires deep self-reflection. Yet this very awareness is the first sign of movement toward a more secure attachment.
What is Attachment?
Attachment styles are the patterns we develop in how we connect, love, and protect ourselves in relationships. They are not labels meant to box you in, but maps that help explain why you do what you do with closeness and intimacy. The key word is "develop" — these relational dynamics are learned over time, which means they can also be unlearned with enough wisdom and willingness.
Secure attachment — Securely attached people feel safe leaning into relationships and being leaned on. They are generally grounded in their own identity and can flow between closeness and independence with relative ease.
Anxious attachment — Anxiously attached people often crave closeness and fear being abandoned. Their nervous system is wired to stay alert for signs of disconnection, creating cycles of clinging, worrying, and over-giving.
Avoidant attachment — Avoidantly attached people deeply value independence and self-sufficiency. Intimacy can feel overwhelming or unsafe, so when closeness increases, their instinct may be to pull back or create distance. This does not mean they do not want love. It means their system learned that closeness comes at a cost.
Disorganised attachment — Often described as a push-pull, this pattern usually stems from early experiences where love and fear were tied to the same people, making relationships feel confusing and unpredictable.
What Avoidant Attachment Really Means
Avoidant attachment does not mean you don't care about people or that you are incapable of love. It usually means that somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that closeness equals danger. Needing others may have meant being let down, smothered, or left to manage things alone. The safest move became to lean away, rely on yourself, and feel that letting someone in will cost more than it gives.
In relationships, this can look like pulling away when things get too intimate, or feeling overwhelmed by emotional demands. In disordered eating, food can become the one thing you can fully control when relationships feel overwhelming or unpredictable.
"If you want endless repetition, see a lot of different people. If you want infinite variety, stay with one." — Joni Mitchell
How Avoidant Attachment Heals
Healing avoidant patterns is not about becoming someone else or forcing yourself into emotional depth that feels false. It is about building safety in connection — one step at a time.
Tiny tolerances for closeness. Instead of expecting full vulnerability, begin by letting yourself stay in moments of connection for a few extra seconds before pulling away. Notice how your body responds. Pause and think: "I'm uncomfortable. Let's see what it feels like to stay just a moment longer."
Naming your needs. Practice saying out loud when you need space and when you want closeness. Both are valid. Giving others the chance to meet you, instead of guessing, creates trust.
Finding regulation outside of numbing. Instead of turning to food, substances, or overworking, experiment with ways to ground your nervous system. Movement, meditation, nature, and breathwork can give your body a new map for safety.
Choosing safe relationships. Healing happens when you are with people who honour your boundaries and gently invite you into deeper connection — where closeness feels safe rather than overwhelming.
Letting spirituality into the gap. For many, the bridge between isolation and intimacy begins in spiritual connection. When human relationships feel overwhelming, cultivating safety with something greater can soften the fear of being held by others.
If you're struggling with relational dynamics and want to understand yourself from a more embodied perspective, reach out for 1:1 coaching.